It kills to be lonely. Lacking good friends is roughly as damaging to your
health as being obese or smoking 15 cigarettes a day, according to
research from Brigham Young University. Another study showed people with
at least three close buddies at work were 96% more likely to be
“extremely satisfied” with their life.
Friends lower your stress, fend off depression, and serve a hundred
other important functions. But plenty of people find themselves out of
touch with their old friends (it was a lot easier to meet people in
college), and without adequate replacements.
So how do you go about making a new pal? More importantly: How do you do it without being a weirdo?
1. Ask for referrals. As in business, nothing beats a
good referral. Translation: You’ll have more success meeting new buds
if you’re introduced to them by existing friends or colleagues, explains
Andrea Bonior, PhD, a clinical psychologist and author of The Friendship Fix.
Maybe one of your current pals gets together with coworkers for drinks
once in a while, or a friend from work hangs out with some college
cronies you’ve never met. If so, ask to join in. Just be upfront, and
tell your current mate you’re trying to meet some new people, Bonior
urges. (Otherwise it’ll be tough to shoehorn yourself into those outings
without awkwardness.)
2. Find a new community. Good friendships tend to
form around shared experiences, similar interests, or both, Bonior says.
That’s why work and school are such natural places to make
acquaintances. (If you and another guy are in the same office or
college, you already have one big thing in common, Bonior explains.) But
if you need to meet people outside of those communities—say, you just
moved to a new city—you need to find some new groups to join, Bonior
stresses. She suggests making a list of your hobbies. Music? Sports?
Movies? Whatever you’re passionate about, find some type of gathering
that revolves around those interests, like open mic nights, intramural
sports teams or CrossFit classes, film societies, and alumni mixers.
“Follow your own interests, and you’re bound to meet people like
yourself,” Bonior says.
3. Put in the work. It’s nearly impossible to form a
bond when you’ve only just met someone. Friendship researchers call
this “the exposure effect,” or the idea that merely being exposed to
someone over and over again breeds familiarity and affinity. This
exposure effect is another reason regular group get-togethers are ideal
friend-forming scenarios. So you shouldn’t try to latch-on to a new
buddy until you and he have run into each other and chatted at least
three or four times, Bonior stresses.
Also important: showing up. Sitting on your couch and watching TV may
seem a lot more enticing than heading across town to that happy hour.
But if you want to meet new people, you have to make the most of every
opportunity, says Gretchen Rubin, author of The Happiness Project.
4. Ask questions—and remember the answers. It’s one
thing to make conversation with strangers, but another to turn them into
friends, Bonior explains. How do you do it? You need to follow up and
build on the topics you’ve talked about, she advises. “Try to get past
small talk to shared hobbies by asking if he’s seen a popular show you
like, or watches a sports team you follow. Or maybe just ask him what
he’s been up to, and hope for areas of overlapping interest.”
Above all else, remember what he told you, Bonior stresses. “If you
aren’t paying attention and following up the next time on the things he
said, you won’t garner any interest in return.”
5. Go for broke. You’ve gabbed with the guy a few
times, and you feel like he could be a buddy. Now the really awkward
part: proposing a meet-up outside of wherever you two normally run into
each other. Again, group settings like bars will feel less threatening
than a one-on-one situation, Bonior says. Try planning a barbeque or bar
night with some other people you know, and invite your new acquaintance
to join in.
If that’s not an option, here’s a last-ditch idea: Buy two tickets to
a game or concert—something you and your prospective pal are both
interested in that’s happening soon. Then tell the guy you got the
tickets for free and can’t find a tag-along on such short notice. “This
kind of accident of chance is a good way to arrange that first real
outing,” Bonior promises.
This article originally ran on menshealth.com.
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